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Game of Hunger

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Game of Hungerle Mer 16 Avr 2014, 15:42
Game of Hunger




"I warned you of this! I have warned you all! You have angered the Gods, and the Gods will have their revenge!" The old bearded man spoke with an angry voice. He balled his fists at the sky and screamed at the dark clouds that had formed in under five minutes. Just a moment ago the sky had been blue and clear and beautiful. Jem had witnessed it when he arrived.
"'t Is a bad omen, m'boy..." A woman told him. "Some say it's the end."
"The end of what?"
"The end of the world as we know it."
Well, fuck me then. He thought. Of fucking course it was the fucking end of the world. Jem came from a world filled with zombies. Dead people that had eaten countless of his friends and acquaintances while he ran. He somehow managed to escape that bleak past and got sent to some kind of medieval town instead, but barely 30 minutes later it seemed that this world was equally doomed. It makes a man think whether the problem lies with him, and not the world he's in. Maybe he was the source of all this despair. Fuck it.
"I'm out of here." He whined, grabbing the bag the woman had just made for him with one hand, and the reins of the horse with the other.
"Where are you going? You can't outrun the oncoming storm, boy!"
Maybe he couldn't, no. But if he was going to die, he might as well die trying. 


Dernière édition par Siparti le Dim 08 Déc 2019, 23:06, édité 2 fois


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Re: Game of Hungerle Mer 16 Avr 2014, 16:12

    Carolyn, a little lost, made her way up to the man with a horse. He seemed different from the others to her, therefore maybe he could help her. She had still gotten lost, but this time the problem seemed worse. Why did these people speak about the end of the world ? She decided to follow him. It was better than staying here doing nothing, anyway.


Dernière édition par Sunshine ☆ le Mer 16 Avr 2014, 16:39, édité 1 fois


   Game of Hunger 494385blaclosun          Game of Hunger 2vnly0y


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Re: Game of Hungerle Mer 16 Avr 2014, 16:29
Corrections:
Okay, so, the biggest problem that I can see here is your construction. The English syntax is really different from the French. When you write in English, try not to translate directly from French or you'll translate it wrongly (= right words, wrong grammar). I know it's difficult though >_> I do the same with French.

• made a way up to the man = made her way up to the man
• He seemed to her different from others = He seemed different from the others to her OR To her, he seemed different from the others
• She had still got lost = gotten
• Why these people spoke about = Why did these people speak about
• Anyway, it was better that to stay there doing nothing. = It was better than staying here doing nothing, anyway. (Here I'd put the word anyway at the end of the sentence, because it flows better.)

He was being followed. It was not difficult to notice. Most people were crying on the ground or praying to their gods. Even the biggest infidels seemed to regain a belief in God when the whole world turned to shit. Not Jem, though. He was used to running. He looked over his shoulder, catching a glimpse of the young lady in his pursuit, but didn't stop. If she wanted to follow him, that was fine, but he wasn't going to help her if she fell.


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Re: Game of Hungerle Mer 16 Avr 2014, 17:02

    « Be brave Murmurs » she told her mare. Then, she asked her to accelerate by kicking her with her feet. She had to catch up with him. He was the only one who didn't give up. Hair in the wind, she shouted « Please, wait ! ».


Dernière édition par Sunshine ☆ le Ven 18 Avr 2014, 18:54, édité 1 fois


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Re: Game of Hungerle Mer 16 Avr 2014, 20:55
Corrections:
• She tells her mare « Courage Murmurs » = J'assume que "Murmurs" c'est le nom du cheval ? XD In English, you'd usually place the "she tells her / she says / she proclaimed / she [...]" behind the saying. So: "Courage, Murmurs !" She told her mare. There are exceptions, though, like the "she shouted" you used at the end, which is used perfectly. You could also have made use of indirect speech by saying: She told her mare to be brave.
• Courage Murmurs = Be brave, Murmurs would be more accurate
• Furthermore = I would just say Then
• By her legs = Either you go into detail (f.e. by kicking her with her feet) or you say with her legs
• It was the only one = It is for animals and objects (and babies 8D), Jem's a human boy, so you have to use He
• Please, waits ! = "Please, wait" If it's an order, you use the 2nd person singular (= You wait)

Oh hell no ! Jem had enough trouble staying alive all by himself. He didn't want a stupid girl to drag him down. He ignored her pleading and continued. Wrong call. It must've displeased the gods of this world, because barely 5 minutes later, his horse threw him off. Jem landed on the floor, rolling in the dirt and had to pick himself up with a miserable expression on his face. FUCK !


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Re: Game of Hungerle Ven 18 Avr 2014, 19:23

    Tihihi ~:
    Mercii :3 C'est dingue le nombre de fautes que je fais dans 3 misérables lignes ... shame on me ! xD

    Damn it ! He fell down. Carolyn get off her mare, as fast as possible, in order to help him. Her long hair was tied up strangely to make sure it didn't touch the ground. She rushed to the boy and gave him her hand. « Are you okay ? » she said. She looked a bit worried.


Dernière édition par Sunshine ☆ le Dim 20 Avr 2014, 14:51, édité 2 fois


   Game of Hunger 494385blaclosun          Game of Hunger 2vnly0y


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Re: Game of Hungerle Ven 18 Avr 2014, 21:14
Corrections:
C'est des petites fautes, hein.

• get off = got off in the simple past
• Her hair were strangely attached, however it didn't fall on the ground = J'ai pas compris la phrase entière en fait XD

He stared at her hand for a few seconds before deciding to take it. Do I look okay ? He replied, his voice filled with contempt. There's a fucking storm outside and you spooked my goddamn horse ! In truth, the girl probably didn't have anything to do with that. It was just easier to blame someone else. His horse, though, was gone. How was he gonna survive now ?


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Re: Game of Hungerle Sam 19 Avr 2014, 13:19

    ~:
    • Aaaah my god les verbes irréguliers Q_Q Au secoooours ...
    • Je voulais dire que ses cheveux étaient attachés bizarrement (parce que va faire tenir 15m de cheveux quoi ! xD), mais qu'ils ne tombaient pas au sol ... Roo, en gros ses loooongs cheveux sont attachés de façon à ce qu'ils ne trainent pas au sol ! xD

    Merci :3


    « I don't think that I frightened your goddamn horse, guy. » she said. However, she smiled as if she wanted to be forgiven. Finally, she got what she wanted : A way to go back home. « Where did you want to go before this little ... accident ? » she asked ironically.


Dernière édition par Sunshine ☆ le Dim 20 Avr 2014, 14:54, édité 1 fois


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Re: Game of Hungerle Dim 20 Avr 2014, 01:34
Corrections:

• Alors: Her (long) hair was tied up strangely to make sure / so it didn't touch the ground.
• However = C'est pas incorrecte, mais "but" est beaucoup plus commun que however et tu l'utilises beaucoup °^° They both mean the same. However is just slightly more... formal.
• she wanted be forgiven = she wanted to be forgiven
• A way to come back home = to go back home ; You use come to describe a movement towards the speaker, and here Carolyn wants to move away, so you have to use the verb to go.

Dunno. A basement. Basic survival 101 in a storm like this. If only they had basements here. A prison cell was probably a safe bet, but Jem didn't want to be locked away behind bars. A cave, maybe. But it's no use without a horse!


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Re: Game of Hungerle Dim 20 Avr 2014, 16:08

    ~:
    • Ça ressemble tout de suite plus à de l'anglais, c'est vrai xD• Je l'aime bien however ... Mais okay, je savais pas que c'était plus formel :3

    « Well, you see ... » She took a deep breath. « I absolutely want to go back home, so I need some help. It would be nice if you had an idea to, I don't know, stay alive for instance ? » Her eyes sparkled. « Oh ! And I have a horse ... »


Dernière édition par Sunshine ☆ le Dim 20 Avr 2014, 18:31, édité 1 fois


   Game of Hunger 494385blaclosun          Game of Hunger 2vnly0y


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Re: Game of Hungerle Dim 20 Avr 2014, 17:27
Corrections:
• C'est pas seulement que c'est plus formel, c'est qu'on utilise beaucoup moins. Dans des rédactions comme des essays c'est plus fréquent, mais même là généralement pas plus qu'une fois par paragraphe. C'est comme si en français j'utiliserais "malgré cela" à la place de "mais". Des fois ça semble euh... exagéré ou trop correcte.
• It will be nice if you can have an idea = It would be nice if you had an idea
• an idea for = an idea to

He glanced at her suspiciously. Sure. The girl might not be what he had prayed for, but she did have a horse. Like I said: we need to find a cave. Preferably one with two exits. That way if one exit got blocked by the storm, they'd have another way out.


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Re: Game of Hungerle Dim 20 Avr 2014, 19:06

    ~:
    • Ah okay Oo Bon ben je vais garder ça pour mes rédactions xD
    • Aah j'ai un problème avec les temps, c'pas possible ToT Merci :3

    Carolyn smiled to him sincerely. « Okay, I'll follow you. » She looked relieved. Then, the girl approached her mare, caught it and waited for the boy to join her. She looked at him. « Just a detail, my name is Carolyn. »


Dernière édition par Sunshine ☆ le Lun 21 Avr 2014, 14:48, édité 1 fois


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Re: Game of Hungerle Lun 21 Avr 2014, 12:47
Corrections:
• I follow you = Elle n'est pas en train de le faire en ce moment, donc I will/I'll follow you. Le simple present est utilisé pour des habitudes ou des trucs qui se passent régulierement (e.g. I always forget my keys), des faits (e.g. Water boils at 100°), des choses qui sont organisées/scheduled (e.g. The train leaves at 7 AM), des généralizations (e.g. All Americans are fat) ou des actions qui se passent à l'instant même (e.g. I'm here; Do you have a bottle of water?).
• and waited that the boy joins her = and waited for the boy to join her

I didn't ask for your name. He answered coldly. The only thing he cared about was that horse: his ticket out of here. The girl could've been named Glitter for all he cared. He grabbed the horse's reins and climbed on the animal. Well, what are you waiting for ?


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Re: Game of Hungerle Lun 21 Avr 2014, 15:05

    ~:
    C'est super, je revois mes temps ^.^ (Je suis pas du tout au point en fait ... xD)
    Encore et toujours merci :3

    « I'm waiting for your name, of course ! » She climbed awkwardly behind him. The storm got closer. If they didn't move, it would be on them in a few minutes. « So ? » she asked maliciously.


Dernière édition par Sunshine ☆ le Mer 23 Avr 2014, 12:28, édité 2 fois


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Re: Game of Hungerle Lun 21 Avr 2014, 18:47
Corrections:
• it will be on them = it would be on them
• Then = Je sais pas ce que tu veux dire là, parce que then tout seul veut rien dire. Peut-être "So ?" dans le genre "Alors ? [Tu vas me dire ce prénom ?]".
• archly = Je vois pas non plus XD Ou bien c'est mal utilisé/out-of-context, ou bien c'est archaïque. EDIT: Je viens de sortir mon dictionnaire et en effet c'est archaïque. Tu voulais dire d'une manière maligne/méchante/ironiquement ? J'peux pas trop te dire quoi utiliser vu que je suis pas sûre ce que tu voulais dire en français, donc si tu me dis ça, j'peux faire une suggestion o/

It's Jem. He said. Not that that is any of your business, Carolyn. The boy looked over his shoulder, then peeked at his watch. His heart rate was still stable. Good. The last thing he needed under these circumstances was another attack. Tell me when you see a cave. Or something else that looks sturdy enough to provide shelter. He mumbled, just before giving the horse a signal to run off.


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Re: Game of Hungerle Mar 22 Avr 2014, 21:55

    ~:
    Ahlala, désolée xD
    • :O Maieuh, ça je l'ai appris en cours, If + présent => Futur xD Aaaah mais là c'est du passé ! Je me tais :3
    • Oui, c'est "Alors ?" que je voulais dire, je remplace donc par "So ?" :p
    • Voui, je voulais dire "malicieusement", mais apparemment j'ai un méchant dictionnaire :O

    Aw, he was so cute. Typically a private kind of guy, that was still trustworthy. Well, this was the way that Carolyn saw him. « Okaay ! » She hung onto him. She laughed almost nervously when Murmurs began galloping.


Dernière édition par Sunshine ☆ le Mer 23 Avr 2014, 12:30, édité 1 fois


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Re: Game of Hungerle Mer 23 Avr 2014, 12:19
Corrections:
Hahaha 8D Faut faire attention avec les dicos parce que pas tout est littéralement traduisible et la plupart du temps les traductions sont très hors-contexte. Si tu voulais dire "malicieusement", la traduction la plus littéral aurait été "maliciously". Sinon y'a aussi "spitefully".

• Typically the kind of guy a bit private/secret, but who was trustworthy = Niveau construction c'est pas cohérent. J'aurais formulé ainsi: "Typically a private/secretive kind of guy, that was still trustworthy." / "The typical kind of private/secretive guy, but still trustworthy." Ou un truc du genre.
• on to = onto ; from to hang onto something
• Almost nervously, she laughed = She laughed almost nervously

Ps : Jem's not cute e__e /sort

The storm was still raging behind them. Dark clouds covered the sky completely, which made it unnaturally dark for the time of the day, and the wind was blowing so hard he feared it would carry them away. But Murmurs the Horse seemed to do fine. The mare galloped like a wild animal, probably just as scared of the sinister weather. DO YOU SEE ANYTHING? Jem screamed, trying to be louder than the storm.


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Re: Game of Hungerle Mer 23 Avr 2014, 14:06
    ~:
    Merki :3
    Hey hey hey tu sais quoi ? Avec mon niveau pourri j'ai réussi à avoir 38/40 à une éval de 2h en Anglais !! :D 20/20 compréhension écrite et 18/20 expression écrite ^-^ *fièèère*

    Carolyn began to be afraid. She had lost her smile and was looking for a shelter. « NOTHING ! » She almost wanted to cry. Suddenly, she saw a broken/dilapidated home. « HERE ! GO RIGHT ! » she screamed.


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Re: Game of Hungerle Jeu 24 Avr 2014, 11:59
Corrections:
Well done 8D Et zéro fautes dans ton RP aussi \o/

He glanced sideways and immediately rolled his eyes. IDIOT. THAT'S GOING TO BE BLOWN AWAY IN SECONDS, YOU DUMB C*NT. Yet he still steered the horse in that direction. They had no other choice. And maybe that shabby-looking thing held some kind of life-saving secret. Jem hoped it was a basement. He jumped off the horse as soon as they were near, leaving it out in the open (who cares about a dumb animal) and ran inside with a horribly pessimistic feeling.


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Re: Game of Hungerle Jeu 24 Avr 2014, 13:29

    ~:
    *se demande quel Dieu faut-il remercier* Oooh trop bien :')


    She jumped off her mare too and took it with her inside. This faithful animal had been brave. But the house was going to fly away in a few minutes. Carolyn desperately looked for a way to stay alive when she found a trapdoor. « Oh my ... Jem, come quick ! »


Dernière édition par Sunshine ☆ le Sam 26 Avr 2014, 13:40, édité 1 fois


   Game of Hunger 494385blaclosun          Game of Hunger 2vnly0y


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Re: Game of Hungerle Sam 26 Avr 2014, 00:33
Corrections:
R'hllor. The Lord of Light, of course ! There is but one god 8D

• Carolyn looked desperately = Caro desperately looked (les adverbes sont placés devant le verbe la plupart du temps en anglais (mais y'a plein d'exceptions, hahaha 8D))

Fuck yeah ! He didn't hesitate even for a second and ran to the trapdoor, trying to pull it open effective immediately, which didn't exactly go as planned. Jem might be a man, but his strength wasn't what it was supposed to be. And he just knew that if he tried too hard, his heart would beat out of his chest. Help me instead of just standing there with a horse that can't fit through here anyway ! He ordered rudely.


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Re: Game of Hungerle Sam 26 Avr 2014, 14:01

    ~:
    Han ! Un piège Q_Q Foutu adverbes xD
    Bon, pour ce que dit Caro, c'est dans l'idée du : À trois, on y va 8D 1, 2, 3 !! *oh hisse !*

    Carolyn hesitated a few seconds. Finally, she released the animal which ran away directly. Then, she approached the trapdoor. It looked heavy. The girl rolled up her hair around the hands, in order to avoid sliding and getting hurt. « Okay, on three. One ... Two ... »


Dernière édition par Sunshine ☆ le Dim 27 Avr 2014, 13:48, édité 1 fois


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Re: Game of Hungerle Sam 26 Avr 2014, 17:09
Picasso:
Hahaha, c'est pratique des cheveux comme ça.

• in order to not slide and not hurt = formulation: in order to avoid sliding and getting hurt
• Okay, for three = on three o/

Three ! With the girl's help, he managed to open the hatch. As soon as it was opened, the putrid smell of decomposing flesh and moldy wood invaded his nostrils. In any other situation, Jem probably would've walked away. But this was a matter of life or death, and unfortunately, they didn't have any choice. He jumped in first.


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Re: Game of Hungerle Dim 27 Avr 2014, 13:58

    Picasso ? oO:
    Merci :3

    The girl sighed, before jumping in too. Some rats ran away as she approached. The cellar was dark and disgusting. Carolyn wanted to bring a little light, but how would Jem react ? In this strange world, would he think that she was a wicked witch ? « This place is ... horrible. »


Dernière édition par Sunshine ☆ le Dim 27 Avr 2014, 19:51, édité 1 fois


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Re: Game of Hungerle Dim 27 Avr 2014, 15:32
Picasso, ouais:
• in her approach = as she approached
• a little of light = a little light

Yeah, well, get cozy. I have a feeling we'll be here a while. It took a while for his eyes to adapt to the darkness, but once they did, he walked towards the opposite side of the cellar, which looked way more secure than the place where they were standing now. He sat down on a large dusty crate and sighed. At least there are rats ! A good source of nourishment.


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