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Death rowle Lun 16 Mar 2015, 13:13
Death row



He had woken up in a prison cell. Or at least he had assumed it was a prison cell. Actually, it looked like a hospital room. There was a bed, a toilet, a sink, a mirror, and in every corner of the entirely white room, a camera. The red blinking light indicated his every move was being recorded for some obscure reason. Jem had gotten out of the bed he found himself in immediately. He had tried to open the only door in the room, but discovered it locked. A small circular window in the door had allowed him to see there was a hallway, just as white as the room, and that there was a similar room right in front of his. Another cell, he had thought. He had meticulously analyzed every corner of his room, hoping to find an indication (any whatsoever) as to his location, but even now he was unsure. Jem found his way back to the edge of the bed. He rubbed his face, trying to think of an explanation, thinking back and attempting to dislodge his last memories, but his mind was empty. There was a sense of vagueness there. He knew who he was, and when he was. It was the where and the why that were fuzzy. What the fuck is go-- His muttering got interrupted by a loud buzzer. Suddenly there was a window in the left wall of his room, which had definitely been full white before. The window allowed him to look right into the next room, where another guy was being held prisoner, just as he was.


Dernière édition par Siparti le Dim 08 Déc 2019, 23:06, édité 2 fois


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Re: Death rowle Lun 16 Mar 2015, 15:46
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Magnifying glass:

Aldo had woken up in a... room. Jumping out of his bed, the first thing he attempted was to get the hell out of this unknown place. But it was locked. Obviously. Where would be the fun if not? Then, our beloved hero noticed the little red light pulsing, proof - if need be - that the camera spying him was definitely working. Holy shit! he fulminated. Where the heck am I? And why can't I remember how I got here? Suddenly, he heard a loud buzzer. This is when he noticed a window in the right wall of his room. Looking through it, he discovered another prisoner. Good morning! he said. Well... or good afternoon, perhaps... No idea... Where are we and what are you doing here?

Aldo had woken up in a... room. Jumping out of his bed, the first thing he attempted was to get the hell out of this unknown place. But it was locked. Obviously. Where would be the fun if not? Then, our beloved hero noticed the little red light pulsing, proof - if need be - that the camera spying him was definitely working. Holy shit! he fulminated. Where the heck am I? And why can't I remember how I got here? Suddenly, he heard a loud buzzer. This is when he noticed a window in the right wall of his room. Looking through it, he discovered another prisoner. Good morning! he said. Well... or good afternoon, perhaps... No idea... Where are we and what are you doing here?


« L'homme n'est pas fait pour travailler. La preuve, c'est que ça le fatigue. »
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Re: Death rowle Lun 16 Mar 2015, 16:37
Well, this was suspicious. Even if he had been the talkative type (which he wasn't), Jem would've been wary at this sudden change in scenery. His room was, after all, monitored. And if it was, the people behind those monitors probably had a reason for revealing his neighbor to him. Jem didn't say a word. He observed the chatty man behind the glass for a few minutes, when the sudden realization hit him that they were both wearing the same thing: a white T-shirt and white trousers. No shoes. What the hell ??


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Re: Death rowle Lun 16 Mar 2015, 18:12
Gosh, you are not gonna talk to me, are you? As usual, Aldo can only rely on Aldo... And Aldo had taken a clever decision: if they were spied, all he had to do was break his own camera so that his silent neighbour could do the same with his. Then, they could talk openly. So, he punched the camera of his room as strongly as he could... but the camera was not only resistant... it was also electrified, so Aldo didn't insist but hit the wall of his prison with rage. Damn it! he shouted.


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Re: Death rowle Lun 16 Mar 2015, 18:18
HRP:
Tu devrais tatouer "Aldo can only rely on Aldo" sur ton corps 8D

What was that idiot doing ? Of course this facility (that's what he would call it for now) would set up protective measures. They'd have to be pretty damn stupid not to. And Jem doubted they were if they managed to get him in here. Hey, idiot. He said, knocking on the glass. What's the last thing you remember ?


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Re: Death rowle Mar 17 Mar 2015, 12:05
HRP:
lol XD Pour mon prochain gage, tiens :P

Ah, au fait, n'hésite pas non plus à corriger mes fautes d'anglais ; ça me rendra vraiment service ;)

Idiot? Aldo repeated. Really? The guy remains calm, does nothing to help, and I am the idiot? Come on, who do you think you are, baby boy? Well, the last thing I remember... let's see... Yep! I went to the bathroom to piss before to go to bed, but someone knocked at my door, so I hurried and then... gosh, I can't even remember if I did open that door or not... then nothing. I just woke up here, held prisoner by some white clothes fetishist clearly angry with shoes. You?


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Re: Death rowle Mar 17 Mar 2015, 14:48
HRP:
Eukaaaaay o/

POST 1:

• Jumping out of his bed, the first thing he attempted was (...) = Chronologically, this doesn't make sense. He can't attempt to open a door while jumping out of his bed at the same time. So you'd have to use a construction like: "After jumping out of (...)"
• Where would be the fun if not? = The idiom is 'Where is the fun in that?', so: "Where would be the fun in that ?" Of course, what you said isn't wrong, but it will probably jump out at English speakers as a wrongly used expression.
• the camera spying him = Using 'to spy' without the on particle would be weird here. The camera doesn't casually observe/notice Aldo. The camera is there to secretly watch what he is doing. So you need the particle: the camera spying on him.

POST 2:

• And Aldo had taken a clever decision = You wouldn't use the past perfect here. You use the past perfect when you describe an action in the past that was completed before ANOTHER action (or when you stress the duration of something, but that doesn't apply here). For example: "Aldo was able to destroy the camera because he had noticed the protective barrier" or "Aldo had eaten a sandwich before getting there, so he wasn't hungry." In your sentence you don't describe a previous action as much as a simple action in the past. So you'd use the simple past: "And Aldo took a clever decision: if (...)"
• if they were spied = same as before, so spied on
• So, he punched the camera of his room as strongly as he could... but the camera was not only resistant... it was also electrified, so Aldo didn't insist but hit the wall of his prison with rage = This is one hell of a sentence XD You are using a lot of conjunctions (I count 4 + commas) and it makes the sentence hard to read. I think splitting it into two (or even three) separate sentences would be more correct. As in: "So he punched the camera in his room as strongly as he could. But the camera was not only resistant... it was also electrified. That's why Aldo didn't insist any further, and violently hit the wall of his prison instead." It seems more natural, especially because the "so" and the "buts" seemed repetitive and made the sentence extremely long. Although that's maybe more of a comment on narrative style and less on grammar. (You can totally make a sentence with 15 "ands" and "so's" and "or's" after all. It just isn't great to read.)

POST 3:

• I went to the bathroom to piss before to go to bed = before I went to bed if you just describe the actions in chronological order
• held prisoner by some white clothes fetishist clearly angry with shoes = I got it, but to avoid confusion, you should add "who's" after fetishist, just in case a reader would apply "clearly angry with shoes" to the subject of the sentence (= "I")

A knock on the door? No. Nothing like Jem's situation. The last thing he remembered was that nauseating sound of zombies banging against the fortified windows of the house he had found refuge in. A bleak outlook on the future. Yet here he was, alive and well. Barefoot, but breathing. Jem waited until the dude was done belittling him to speak: What can you see out of the window on your door?


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Re: Death rowle Mar 17 Mar 2015, 23:47
HRP:
Merci pour tes corrections, miss :)

Hem... wait! I'll cast a glance at it, Aldo said. Good question, baby boy! When he looked through the window, all he could see was a large white corridor with doors all along. Gosh! They like white for sure! There was a skull and crossbones drawn on one of the doors. Aldo returned next to his cellmate and described him all he had noticed. What about you? he asked after his report. What did you see out of the window on your own door? And what's your name, by the way? My name is Aldo Biscotto. It's nice to meet you... sort of...


« L'homme n'est pas fait pour travailler. La preuve, c'est que ça le fatigue. »
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Re: Death rowle Sam 21 Mar 2015, 22:16
HRP:
• I'll cast a glance at it = Correct expression, strange use. "I'll take a look at it" sounds more natural to me, since archaic expressions like that one aren't often used in dialogue.
• all he could see was a large white corridor with doors all along = The idiom "all along" again is correct, but seems strange in this sentence, because the classical use of it is in the sense of "I knew he was cheating on me all along", as in: "all the time". I'm having trouble telling you how to correct it though XD It just seemed off as soon as I read it.

Names. Apparently people couldn't do without them. Jem wasn't the type of person that liked to be on first-name basis with a total stranger. He had always thought the concept strange. Yet the reality of his current situation was that he didn't give a fuck. He couldn't give a fuck. He needed that numbskull to get out of here, cause he wasn't gonna make it on his own. You can call me Jem. He answered shortly, and followed up with a brief description of what he had seen himself.


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Re: Death rowle Mar 24 Mar 2015, 15:10
Dankjewel!:
:)

Well, what Baby Boy has seen doesn't help much... Too bad... Well, I guess we have to do with it... I have a great idea to get out of here anyway... but I'd like to check if Baby Boy has an idea as well, first. Fair enough, I'll call you Jem, then! Aldo answered with a big smile. Do you have any idea of what we can do to get out of here? There is a football match at five o' clock I would not miss for the world!


« L'homme n'est pas fait pour travailler. La preuve, c'est que ça le fatigue. »
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Re: Death rowle Mer 25 Mar 2015, 21:13
Spoiler:
• Well, I guess we have to do with it... = From the French expression "On fera avec" or something like that, I suppose ? Awkward formulation here. The correct idiom is: "We'll have to make do." / "We'll have to make due." (Depending on which side of the linguistic debate you are 8D)

Was he seriously thinking about his evening shows? Obviously that guy didn't have a worry in the worl---- Jem's thoughts were interrupted by another buzzer sound, which this time signaled the automatic opening of the doors. Were they just gonna let them walk out of here? He didn't hesitate. Jem walked to the bed, ripped the sheets off and wrapped them around his fist. Then he went to the mirror, smashed his fist into it, and picked up the longest shard of glass. Weapon: check.


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Re: Death rowle Jeu 26 Mar 2015, 11:19
Aldo waited for Jem to answer... but before he had a chance to do so, the automatic doors opened. No way! Our problem is solved! Aldo thought, relieved. But then he saw Jem improvise a weapon. Clever enough! Well, I guess I can get by with my fists in case of... any complication. Let's get out of here anyway. Aldo went out of his cell, stretched out loudly and waited for Jem to get his ass over here. It could reveal useful for us to stick together for now, he estimated.


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Re: Death rowle Mer 01 Avr 2015, 20:23
Spoiler:
• complication = not wrong, but more idiomatic if you put it in its plural form (so complications)
• stretched out loudly = the tiny linguistic professor in me would shout: 'YOU CANNOT STRETCH LOUDLY', because it's an action that doesn't involve sound (classically), but the tiny literature professor in me would say: 'This is being creative with language', and thus acceptable. Though both would plead for leaving "out" out (haha, word play), because stretching in the sense of extending your limbs (like after a long nap) doesn't need the particle.
• It could reveal useful = literal translation from the French expression "il peut se révéler utile", I think ? It's not used in English. The correct version would be: "It could be useful for us to stick together for now" or "He might reveal himself to be useful" or s'mthing like it.

Keep your eyes on the left side, will you ? Jem told Aldo. They needed to go about this tactically. Whoever was controlling the mechanisms obviously wanted them to go out of their rooms after all. It wasn't safe... but they couldn't simply stay inside forever either. Jem advanced calmly, walking towards the next room on the right, where the door was still shut.


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Re: Death rowle Jeu 02 Avr 2015, 20:08
OK! Aldo answered. He let Jem move to the right and decided to inspect the left side of the corridor. He remembered the skull and crossbones door and was so curious to discover what it could contain. No one was coming, no imminent danger... apparently, at least. So, Aldo tried to open the dangerous door, but it was locked. Shit! But more was needed to stop a determined Aldo; he took his momentum and smashed the door... which triggered a deafening alarm. Oops!


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Re: Death rowle Sam 11 Avr 2015, 21:20
Spoiler:
• But more was needed to stop a determined Aldo = Correct, but very archaic construction. I'd simply say: "But you need more to stop a determined Aldo"

*Idiot!* Jem barely had the time to peek through the window when the alarm sounded. Why the heck would that fucking moron do something so stupid?! Maybe he was better off without him after all. The sudden scare had caused Jem's heartbeat to speed up, as the barely audible alarm on his wristwatch told him. *Calm the fuck down... breathe...*


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Re: Death rowle Mer 15 Avr 2015, 11:31
Magnifying glass:
Aldo entered and... couldn't believe what he saw. There was a note explaining that all Aldo had to do was to press a button to turn off the alarm. He obeyed and it stopped. Then, a TV switched on at the back of the room and a distorted voice - worthy of horror movies - rose: Congratulations, gentlemen! You managed to escape from your cells and you have found the weapons room faster than I had thought. Feel free to help yourself, and good luck for the rest of the Survival Game. The frightening voice belonged to some mysterious guy wearing a clown mask and dressed as a clown. When he finished speaking, he had an evil laugh as the TV turned off. The furniture items began to turn to reveal a range of weapons of all kinds.

Aldo entered and... couldn't believe what he saw. There was a note explaining that all Aldo had to do was to press a button to turn off the alarm. He obeyed and it stopped. Then, a TV switched on at the back of the room and a distorted voice - worthy of horror movies - rose: Congratulations, gentlemen! You managed to escape from your cells and you have found the weapons room faster than I had thought. Feel free to help yourself, and good luck for the rest of the Survival Game. The frightening voice belonged to some mysterious guy wearing a clown mask and dressed as a clown. When he finished speaking, he had an evil laugh as the TV turned off. The furniture items began to turn to reveal a range of weapons of all kinds.


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Re: Death rowle Dim 03 Mai 2015, 03:28

Spoiler:
• Weapons room = weapon room
• Feel free to help yourself = feel free to help yourselves, since the voice speaks in the plural °^°
• When he finished speaking, he had an evil laugh as the TV turned off. = Chronological order isn't right here. You should change the entire sentence, because "he had an evil laugh" implies he only has it when he finishes speaking (= forever), and not in the moment itself. Sooooo: When he finished speaking, his evil laugh echoed as the TV turned off, for example.

Weapon room ? Survival Game ? Oh fuck no. His life was already a survival game. He really didn't need another challenge. Jem was done with people fucking with his life like this. First the heart problems, then the zombies and now this ? *long enduring sigh* Fine.

What did you find ?


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Re: Death rowle Dim 03 Mai 2015, 17:26
HRP:
Thanks a lot, Sip :gugussdefirea:

Aldo turned to Jem and said: Have you heard this, Jem? It seems Mr Clown wants us to play a game I personaly play everyday already... Oh, and I found tons of weapons at our disposal. Aldo didn't get it... Who could have the time to play this nasty game whereas Zombies were surrounding the whole world? On the other hand, he had no idea how he came here and even where he was, so... perhaps there were no Zombies in this weird world. Do they even know my survival skills? There's something I need to check... Hey Jem! What do you do for a living? Any job? Do you often hang out with your friends? Tell me a bit what your everyday life looks like. After all, I have no idea of where you come from...


« L'homme n'est pas fait pour travailler. La preuve, c'est que ça le fatigue. »
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Re: Death rowle Dim 03 Mai 2015, 17:44
HRP:
• Have you heard this, Jem? = Did you hear that, Jem ? (Simple past)
• personaly = personally
• whereas = when / while > whereas is used in contexts like : "Jem wanted to eat, whereas Aldo wanted to drink." You use it to make a contrast.
• how he came here = how he came to be here

*What does that matter?* Normally, he wouldn't have bothered to answer him, but Jem had already figured out that Aldo was the insisting type (he had, after all, already asked this question (twice)). *Think of it like this: he'll shut his fucking trap as soon as you've answered.*

Before or after the apocalypse ?


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Re: Death rowle Dim 03 Mai 2015, 19:59
HRP:
Ah bon ? Pourquoi on doit utiliser le simple past ici ? L'action vient juste de se produire... Je ne comprends pas :-(

Aldo felt relieved. He had his answer. It doesn't matter, Jem. Forget my question! The important is that we come from the same world, you and me! If you're still alive, then it means you were smart enough to learn to survive. We should overcome it! However, I bet Mr Clown knows our skills... and I'm afraid he chose us because we are among the best survivors... If I'm right, we really need to work together as a team if we want to have a chance to survive this! Well, what kind of weapon are you used to using? We should carefully pick the weapons that will probably save our asses! Aldo picked a submachine gun... for a change, as well as a few grenades and one hunting knife.


« L'homme n'est pas fait pour travailler. La preuve, c'est que ça le fatigue. »
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Re: Death rowle Dim 03 Mai 2015, 21:29
Spoiler:
You use the simple past because the action of hearing is over. It doesn't affect the present. If in doubt, use simple past. You'll generally only use "have" when you use words like 'yet', 'ever', 'since', 'for 5 years' and other time indications. It stresses the lingering effect on the present. (Unless you use the modal form, but that's not the case here.)

• The important is that = the important thing is that

Except Jem managed to survive by avoiding zombies. Not by running head-first into a group of them. And especially not by teaming up with a guy like Aldo. The dude was unreliable. Still: better than nothing. He picked up a knife, strapped it to his thigh, then stared at the handguns.

Ok. Knives are easy. You just stab with them. But ... how do you fire those things again ?


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Re: Death rowle Lun 04 Mai 2015, 13:20
HRP:
Merci pour toutes ces précisions ! Reconnaissance éternelle :noeeewel:

Jem did not seem to be convinced by Aldo's speech. He picked a knife with no hesitation, and then he picked a... no. He did not pick any gun. He was actually hesitating, as if... yep! as if he had never used one of those weapons ever. Aldo was surprised about it. How could he survive all this time with juste knives? He was impressed. May I help you, Jem? You look like someone who has never used a gun before... This one will do, then! It is pretty easy to handle for begginers, he said as he picked a six-shooter. I will show you how to use it, if you let me!


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Re: Death rowle Lun 04 Mai 2015, 18:46
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Spoiler:
• as if he had never used one of those weapons ever = as if he had never used one of those weapons before
• with juste knives = just 8D

Ugh. If he wanted to be helpful, he could shut up and shoot the gun himself. In an ideal world, Jem would have nothing to do, because everyone would do it for him. But he knew Aldo wouldn't work like that. Maybe if he had been a chick with a D-cup. But he was very much a guy (parts and all), and so he'd have to rely on other methods to be convincing. Sure. Show me. Flattery maybe ?


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Re: Death rowle Mar 05 Mai 2015, 11:55
Aldo was happy. It seemed Jem was becoming friendlier, which was a good thing. Aldo showed him how to use the six-shooter properly (reload, aim, shoot), explaining that he could shoot six times before to reload... six times only. This was a very important aspect to keep in mind. Then, Aldo stared at Jem, he scrutinized him, and he said: You are not a fighter at all, are you? You owe your life to your brain, right? It may not be obvious, but I am a man of action, not of strategy... but I think you are. What if they made us meet each other in this weird place to see how we handle all this with our different skills and weaknesses? Correct me if I'm wrong, but you are good at strategy, right?


« L'homme n'est pas fait pour travailler. La preuve, c'est que ça le fatigue. »
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Re: Death rowle Mar 05 Mai 2015, 12:11
Spoiler:
• explaining that he could shoot six times before to reload = before reloading

Jem raised an eyebrow. Well, that was surprising. The guy has some brains after all. He wouldn't have thought it at all. I wouldn't say I'm a good strategist. I just know how to keep out of trouble. And Aldo was trouble, mind you. Rash and quick on his feet. Not thinking ahead. That was great in some situations (especially when trying to survive), but in some others, it could get him killed.


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